Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Shattered Mirror of Unforgiveness

I was laid off a few weeks ago but am just blogging about it now. I guess I had to let it all sink in and have the seething feeling simmer away.

“We’re having cash flow problems,” She said. “She” being in " " as an off-handed way to refer to the owner of the company without using her name. Like Elizabeth Edwards, the betrayed wife of John Edwards, failed vice-presidential candidate, I don’t feel like using the business owner’s name. Not for the purpose of protecting her identity… Oh, no…

When Oprah interviewed Mrs. Edwards, her condition for appearing on the show was that Rielle Hunter’s name, John Edwards’ other woman, would not be spoken on air. I get that. Even though Mrs. Edwards’ higher self projects forgiveness and resilience, there’s that human part of her that rears its imperfect self and refuses to acknowledge the existence of the woman that brought shame, pain and anguish to her seemingly ideal marriage.

I was pissed to get the news of my lay off, quite understandably.

But more pissed because just the day before I had made a successful presentation to a potential big client, a client that would have been a rich source of referrals for her private duty in-home health care company for seniors. This client would have been unreachable and inaccessible to “Her." She is incapable of articulating her business services in grammatically correct English. Can you feel my derision?

I was pissed to get laid-off yet again, twice within the past year. I can’t take any more of this. I’ve gone through enough already.

I was even more pissed because the week before I did a bang-up job giving a PowerPoint presentation to the Case Management department of a huge Napa hospital, a task she could never have accomplished on her own because of her deathly fear of public speaking. Couple that fear with her cringe-inciting English, why-a, that would have killed any future business referrals, for sure. Am I oozing bitterness?

Ghandi said that and he was right. Why do I think that pointing out the shortcomings of another would boost my own stature?

All I’m doing by demeaning someone else is painting an unflattering image of myself. It gives me momentary pleasure, for sure. Like loosening a valve and letting some steam escape. It may relieve the pressure but the heat could sear my own skin. How can I bear to look at this image of myself spitting bile? Might as well walk around with snot and saliva dripping on my chin, wear tattered clothes and dirty underwear.

I’m glad I recognize the taste, smell, physical discomfort and ugliness of these human emotions. It serves as my internal guidance system for what I need to work on spiritually.

If truth be told, I’m more pissed at myself for having taken the job out of desperation. I have only myself to blame for selling out and giving my services away for “free.” From a six-figure income I allowed myself to accept a nothing-job so I could pay the rent. My anger towards her is nothing more than unforgiveness of myself turned outward.

I forgive myself and resolve never again to diminish my own worth. I forgive myself for getting pissed off and externalizing it. I forgive myself for sounding ungrateful, however fleetingly. After all, the experience has opened my eyes and cracked open my heart. Sometimes the work of enlightenment means having to see your wholeness through the shattered glass of unforgiveness.


heartissoul said...

Maya this is "biography" material which reflects beautiful raw and true emotions!You've captured and gently guided your creative cells as they bring sustinance to all your organs, nurturing and creating a nest for them to heal and grow. I was touched by your hearfelt words!

Rebecca Mabanglo-Mayor said...

I agree with Babe. :) There was much more to this post than spit, fire, and ire.

We tell our stories to heal, and I believe something healed in you for the writing of this. Dwelling on the 'shortcomings' of being human misses the healing.

Something healed in me during the reading of this - a confirmation that we do have a right to our stories, to tell them in the manner we feel best suits the stories, and to not hide the tough/bitter feelings as an attempt to say those feelings don't exist.

Cry, rage and know you're coming through it all stronger. :)

Marti said...

Hi Maya --

Same thing happened to me in a big corporate environment three years ago. Time has healed the situation and I've moved on to find something I really love. It's not the 6-figure income I was making as a software engineer -- not by a long shot! But, it is getting better each year. And, like you, I'm learning to value myself and my contributions more and more.

Hang it there!! There is a reason for all of this. My belief system tells me it will take you higher!

Ariadne Green said...

The lesson: When you are being robbed don't feed the robber.

What rings true for me is that I don't feel appreciated much for all I give. Is it my own creation to learn to value myself. Is it a womanity issue that states women aren't appreciated for all they selflessly give? Or in your case is it that a woman can't stand to see another succeeding at something she can't?

Debra Twardowski said...

It's true, we tell our stories. Sometimes we feel laid naked afterward and wonder, why did I just share all that crap? Then, the the troubles float away, released in the telling.

Prav said...

This is a very good and healthy post i think. Good to write and share about. Have a great writing and have a great readership. Thanks...

amir rahmanzadeh said...

why u do not upload anymore? u have talent and it is a pity to see your weblog upload-less.
thanks and upload soon.
best wishes

Karen Swim, Words For Hire said...

Maya, when we are willing to shine the light on the "unpretty" part of ourselves, the healing and growth have already begun. Bless you for your self-awareness and willingness to not only shine that light but share with others.

Susan said...

I was fired from a job (5 yrs ago) after giving my blood, sweat, and tears for over 20 years. This came after getting a sizable bonus a month before because I was doing "one hell of a job". Upper management felt I wasn't a "team player"?? Anyway...I know how you feel. We have to rise above it...not easy to do. We have to vent. Vent our fury over being wronged. I was hired a few months later (they knew my reputation in the marine field and begged me to come work for them) by a company that made me very unhappy due to their questionable way of doing business. While trying to find another job the recession started and I was laid-off from my job...and unable to find work to date. I was lucky enough to have a spouse who was supportive and told me it was time to follow my bliss. Let's be clear...I was able to do this because he has a very successful consulting company. I am an artist and photographer these days...and couldn't be happier. I look back on my career and am glad I am no longer part of that particular rat race. I hope you find happiness. You are an intelligent person...